Super Tuesday Results Shock and Awe Lexington High Students

LEXINGTON – Following Super Tuesday results, Lexington students were astonished to discover that the world outside of Lexington High School had a different take on politics than the student body.

“I really thought that the political views of ~2000 teenagers living in a rich, liberal, multicultural suburb of Boston would mirror the greater American political landscape,” remarked sophomore Lenny Stricklage. “I mean, aren’t we supposed to be the leaders of tomorrow? Where are all those Lex alums at? Why didn’t they tip the results in our favor?”

Contrary to popular opinion at the high-achieving, “high-on-life” high school, liberal candidate Bernie Sanders did not win the Massachusetts state primary, as was also the case in the Alabama state primary, the Arkansas state primary, the Georgia state primary, the Tennessee state primary, the Texas state primary, and the Virginia state primary.

“What the hell, America,” shouted LHS junior and political activist Jerry Jasper from his soapbox on the Battle Green. “I believed in you. I thought you were going to stop supporting Trump. I thought you were going to see the light in Bernie. I thought you were going to feel the Bern.”

Other students expressed surprise that their sharing articles on Facebook about how conservative Hillary Clinton really was and how Bernie’s economic plan actually did add up didn’t seem to have a major impact on the night’s results. In fact, despite an increase in the number of links posted to Facebook per day by the LHS student body, Bernie received a smaller overall percentage of Blue Party votes on Tuesday night than he did in previous primaries. Freshman Tara Partwallstreet* summed up the emotions of the LHS majority well:

“This is pathetic. I expected more. We expected more. I blame the media. I blame Donald Trump. But most of all, I blame the working class for not having the time or energy to research Sanders’ policies, take a class or two on economics, and realize that socialism is net-better in the long run for their own well-being.”

On the Republican side, GOP frontrunner Donald Drumpf did not disappoint die-hard conservatives on campus. Scathing remarks unleashed by the Donald™ in the past week managed to bring almost a dozen more republicans out of the closet. GOP youth credited Lexington’s American Pride Dance as helping the Duck™ swing voters over to his side in the booth. One even reported seeing an unenrolled voter held up in deciding whether to take a Republican or Democratic ballot. Hovering around the 15-person mark, almost every LHS Republican could be reached late-night on Super Tuesday, and they were ecstatic, with reactions ranging from “Meh” to “Damn, Daniel!”

There are more primaries to come, and LHS students are confident that the tide will turn. Does this mean defeat for our Supreme Leader? Does this mean victory for the antichr*st? Only time will tell; until then, students will continue to live in their fantasy world of rainbows and communism.

*Tara’s real last name was changed for literary effect. Apologies Tara!

Voters gather in anticipation of super Tuesday.