Breaking News – No Bomb Threat

Editor’s Note: Please remember that this is strictly satire!

LEXINGTON – In a surprising turn of events, there was no bomb threat recorded at Lexington High School – not a single one – in the month of May. After two scares in just one week during April, students and faculty alike were alarmed at the absence of any violent messages or risks to their safety upon their return to school following April vacation. One freshman too nervous to be named expressed worry that receiving no warning of an attack for thirty whole days meant one was really on the way. Sophomore Edna Adams showed concern that LHS was in dire need of increased evacuation practice:

“I felt safer when we evacuated every other day. It was nice to see we had a secure plan on what to do in the event of terrorist activity. Now that we aren’t getting any warnings though, we’ve stopped interrupting class to escape to the field house or the gym. When someone really comes with a gun or a bomb, how will we know where to go?”

Senior football captain Terrence Malt lamented the apparent end to evacuations – not only were they a great way to get out of class and kick some dirt around, but the most recent one held particular significance for him. “It was the most people we’ve ever seen on our football field,” Malt exclaimed. “It’s like free advertising for the team. If we could have had more of these in the fall, maybe we would have gotten people to come watch us, and then, who knows, we might have won another game or two. Or even three.”

Junior Kerry Stein was grateful for past bomb threats, as it helped her get out of some tests she wasn’t quite ready for. “Hey, terrorist, if you’re out there, could you make a call during E block on Thursday? It’d really mean a lot to me.” Not knowing whether this optimistic shout to the heavens would work, Stein made sure to have a backup plan in case the terrorist chickened out.

Teachers repeatedly comforted their students, reminding them that another attack in June certainly wasn’t out of the question. “Just because there was no attack today, doesn’t mean there isn’t one on the horizon,” a sophomore English teacher informed his class, amid relieved sighs and a few cheers.

In an abundance of caution, Superintendent Czajkowski sent out a robocall, reassuring the town that terrorists would never be able to strike fear in the community by killing a few students – in fact, it’d probably help attack the overpopulation problem at the high school. No, Czajkowski chuckled, the best way to wreak havoc in Lexington would be to hack onto Aspen and lower everyone’s GPA. Suddenly, she stammered: “I meant – no – I wasn’t trying to suggest – s#%t!” Alas, it was too late. At press time, cyberterrorists had already hacked onto Aspen, and the future of the student body was abruptly cut short, far quicker than any weapon of mass destruction could have done. Rest in peace, Lexington. We mourn your loss.