Unmarked White Van Handing Out Most Candy at Activities Fair

Lexington, MA –- Thursday morning, amidst the always electric atmosphere of the annual activities fair, students found a welcome new source to satisfy their free-candy fiending desires. Despite the annual bowls of scooby snacks and kit kats, the traditional mainstay club booths were barren, unable to compete on candy quantity and quality with the newest club in town. Club leaders folded up their poster boards forlornly and watched as students flocked en masse to this new club – it’s booth located in an unmarked, white van parked just outside the quad.

Two men could be seen peeking out of the sliding side door of the van, one playing a flute, the other with a handful of candy. Hanging by a piece of scotch tape from the side mirror was a hastily scribbled note introducing the van as “LHS Van Club.” No other specifics were provided. When our own Muskeeto reporters wondered aloud why the two “students” were balding, the taller of the two insisted that bald caps were being worn to “cultivate an ambiance” and they really were high school seniors. According to eyewitnesses, the second man made no comment and merely twitched his eyebrow vigorously and could be heard making primal, guttural noises.

Despite not claiming to help get members into college, or to help change the world, or to help those in need, the club still seemed to appeal to students solely on the merit of giving out the most candy of any club. Administrators on the scene were both aware and excited about White Van Club, though seemingly slightly uninformed about the club. “You love to see such vibrant leadership among youth” one smiling dean remarked. “They must have a put together a great plan to make a difference in the community and demonstrated pretty strong logistic infrastructure to attract a crowd like that!” another staff member said, slightly breathlessly.

Peculiarly, even as more students streamed into the quad and towards the van, the line for candy in front of the van never seemed to lengthen. Eyewitnesses also reported what were described as “muffled yelping noises, sounding suspiciously like pleas for help” that seemed to originate from large burlap sacks that were hastily tossed by the two men into the back of the van. English teacher Maggie Swanson beamed as the shrill cries floated tranquilly through the warm autumn air. “You can hear it. The kids are just so excited to participate in this wonderful community.” Putting a hand up beside her mouth in a faux-confidential matter, Swanson added, “the candy can’t hurt either!” chuckling slightly to herself.

As the bell rang marking the end of the period, the white van abruptly sped away, ostensibly to restock on candy before the next wave of students hit. Eyewitnesses report that a significant number of students had been taken by the two men to undergo “club leadership position training”.